Thursday, January 13, 2011

Say what you mean, and mean what you say

So today I'm really pissed and disappointed.  I have some of the most amazing friends, whom are great parents that find themselves stuck in the girls locker room in Jr. High.  I'd rather you be a repeat offender in the Betty Ford clinic, than sit and watch them rip each other apart over nonsense.  Don't get wrong, I'm all for a good fight....but it better be something worth my time, effort and bail money instead of arguing over who said what and people not backing up what they said.  Grow some fucking balls. 

If you said it.  Doesn't matter the tone, place or explanation' said it.  If you didn't mean to say it or it came out wrong...again just say so.  Nothing pisses me off more than people hiding behind themselves. 

I know a lot of people, but consider a rare few....a friend.  This elite group are the ones I count on during my times of need, happiness and especially to call me out when I'm wrong or behaving poorly.  Your friends should be the ones to say to you what others would never dare.  Your friends are the ones there when your sick, when you need someone to chat or a shoulder to cry...whatever that is required and the same is given in return.

I have no tolerance, understanding or respect for those who live in glass houses...throw stones and then try to clean it up with even more poor behavior.  You might as well spit on my neck and tell me it's raining.   I was raised to say what you mean and mean what you say.  Saves on the confusion.  With me, you always know where you stand because I am the same person everyday regardless of who is standing before me.  And I've got some advice for folks too.  If you don't like being served what you dished out....get the hell out of the kitchen and behave like an adult.  Remember this...what our children learn to be of adults.  They first learn from us. 

Like before, I've said my piece and it's done with.  Next please! 

Monday, January 10, 2011

The Kid and the Microsoft Mindfuck

You know why I can never find the kid.....XBOX LIVE.  This has got to be the most addicting thing ever created targeted around kids and husbands alike.  Aaron goes into some deep trance with all these side effects that include selective hearing and memory loss. 

He can't remember to do his chores, he can't hear me when I ask him to do something and he sure as hell isn't listening when I tell him to go pick up the dog poo.  Well not that I'd listen either, but that's not the point.

What's the draw????

When I was a kid, sure we were excited when Atari came out. Donkey Kong and Frogger were to die for, but to spend 4 hours straight on it just to keep your frog from being splatted!  Huh hello, NOT!  I literally have to pry my kid, not to mention my ol man off the Xbox with a crow bar and unplug it from the wall because otherwise they'd just jump right back on it when I left the room.  Go outside and play.  Mow the lawn or wash that dirty thing you call a ride. 

I am He-Man, hear me roar!

And what's with this game Black Ops?  Is this Inspector Gadget's opportunity to truly be a crime fighter?  You even get a head set to listen to everyone curse and talk smack to the other 3,9999,5790348 husbands and kids online playing.  Please people, I just want to slap you so hard your eyeballs do laps around your heads.  Besides, if I wanted to run around multiple countries shooting anything that least give me the option to make a really sexy kick ass avatar so I might be motivated to play. 

Ugh, I hate this game.  The only good thing about the Xbox is the ability to watch my Netflix movies on there or occasionally play a little Boggle or Pac-Man.  Guess I'm ol school and figure being in the military lifestyle we have to deal with enough Uncle Sam throws at us....I don't need Xbox bringing it live into my living room.  Next thing you know they'll have military channel available too....Lord help us then.  Besides I don't need or want Microsoft messing with my kids head....that's what I do for fun.  Back off suckers

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I'm Medicated and Motivated: It's all about Grace

I'm Medicated and Motivated: It's all about Grace

It's all about Grace

Growing up we all have that favorite person or memory that make us secretly smile, out of nowhere. The sharp crisp tones of the ice cream truck driving through the neighborhoods, as your friends run down the street with visions of strawberry drizzle on a cone dripping of summer fun or curled on the couch during a passionate thunder storm with old comfortable friends of college day blankets and well turned pages of your favorite book. 

For me, simply it's my Granny Grace.  Not the typical vision of grandmothers that come to mind surrounded by the warm smell of cookies, reading your bed time stories or pushing you in the swing.  Not our Grace.  Granny always smelled of Oscar De La Renta, cooking gumbo or fried chicken, passing one on a much deserved soul and solving the never ending turmoils of our family with a heart bigger than the heavens themselves. 

Everybody was family....

It didn't matter who you were or how you got there, you were family and Grace was Granny.  My earliest memory was in Belle Chase and I must have been at least 5 or 6 years old living with my grandparents Valton and Zuma Lee Lewallen.  My parents were divorced and I was staying at my Aunt Kitten's house because my dad was in the Army and things just weren't good in Belle Chase.  At this time, the grand rents were taking a trip to Spain and even Cliffie went along, so Granny came to stay in Belle Chase.  It was the first time I can ever remember having fun or just being a kid without fear or worry. 

We jumped rope, sat in the kitchen floor and played jacks and Granny taught me how to read. For once I was the pretty girl instead of just doing everything wrong by existing.  No locked closet doors, hair being cut off, no being smacked for pushing up my sleeves on a shirt to hot to wear in the summer time, or fear of being attacked in a was just two girls having fun.  How I wanted to be a part of that family because this is what grandmothers were suppose to be like.  It brings a tear to me now because now I don't know if I ever told Granny how much that impacted me or that I even remembered those days, but the comforting thought is...I think in her own special way...she always knew.

My brother and sister and I did become a part of that family and Granny has saved me many, many times after that.  Her passing is something still hard for me to talk about, even knowing she is with me in so many ways...still it's just hard to put into words.  She loved her family with every breath she drew and she was loved in return.  I find myself thinking of her especially now as my cousin is about to have her baby and how I wish Granny could see him, knowing how special and hard this is going to be for Kathy, but then I realize Gran's already seen him and that too brings a smile to my face. 

Thank you Granny and I miss you!

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Give me the greatness of heart to see the difference between duty and his love for me.

So once again we've spent another Saturday in a long line of many, packing Brian for another training expedition.  Yeah.  Really, how many times can a company go to NTC?  I know we are constantly training and I really do appreciate the fact my husband is a lean, mean fighting machine, but again how many times is NTC necessary!

Dragging out tons of heavy equipment and rolling up socks and shirts is my idea of fun, I can only imagine Brian's.  Going down that endless checklist, not to mention last minute items to be done to last the month and half he will be gone.  At least it's not deployment right.  As if that's not one of the worse things to fall upon a military wife's ears.  Those well meaning friends that say "Oh I know just how you feel". Seriously, and just how would you know...your husband works in a bank.  Or the infamous "Aren't you afraid he'll be killed?"  Horrified would be more like it Captain Obvious.  WTF! 

It's truly just one of those pet peeves that as a military wife I sometimes have a hard time swallowing, and have to remind myself we live in a different world and it is hard for those outside of it to understand, no matter how well intended they want to be. 

So the bags are all packed, cold weather included for an all inclusive round trip to  secluded Ft. Irwin for a month and 1/2.  Registration has been renewed on the truck, tires all have air, Christmas lights all taken down, along with the grass mowed, all that's left to do; say goodbyes and catch the plane.  So here's to all you wives who joke around saying you wish you could send your husband's away for 6 months.  Take our word for you don't.  Here's to all our service members deployed or not and the spouse's and families that support them!

See you when you get home honey.  Stay safe and hurry home!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Oohey Goohey was a worm

So this morning I go outside as I do everyday, to tell my love birds good morning and to start my day off proper and GROSS..slugs were everywhere.  I mean as in everywhere like the bowels of hell opened up in our Cul de Sac and they were one of the seven plagues.  Slimy, white trails just lined my front carport that really had no starting or ending point.  CANDICE DOESN'T DO SLUGS!!!!

  I don't have a slug excess, I have a duck deficit. They should feel right at home with the two dogs, cat, 12 fish, four birds and one rabbit.   That should really make my ol man happy.  Where can I get a duck in Hawai'i?  Craigslist?  Freecycle? China Town?

Found the kid.......

Remember I said before when you need the kid you can never find him, but holla lunch and there he is....well  in all my hollering of ewwww's and gross slugs, as I turned to go back into the house, because remember "I don't do slugs".  Aaron comes running out the front door with a can of salt yelling "Coming thru".  I've never seen such excitement!  Who are you and what have you done with my son.  Wait, what are you doing.

 It takes me a second to register that Aaron, my normal cool, calm and collected child is pouring salt on these nasty squirmy things and I quote "ashes to ashes, dust to dust", and on another one "sorry no welcome here"!  He's moving from slug to slug repeating this process, saying something differant to each one.  I can only watch in Master Card commerical fashion as I'm stunned and speachless as the same time.  Quite the feat, I assure you and only hand few of people have been able to accomplish this task in my lifetime, which my son is now in the honored top five!


I nearly fell out, this is my kid after all but the after the initial shock of the slugs, and nearly being knocked down by Aaron with a can of salt, the sight of him killing off slugs with his little eulogies was priceless and freaking hilarious.  I just fell out!  Sir Aaron, Slayer of Slugs.......  hermaphrodite that you nasty ass worms. I was a proud Momma!  What is it about boys and spas mastic bugs and the need to either carry them or kill them.  I'm telling ya'll it was like watching Mickey Mouse in the Disney classic stalking and swatting flies all over except now it's an pre-pubescent teenager taking out slugs from the flower beds.  Oh my sides hurt, the stuff coming out of this kids mouth.  I have no clue where he gets it from. 

Oh wait, whose gonna pick those dead suckers up?  Not I said the blind man, not I said the momma, not I said the kid....I'm late for school.


Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Jeff Buckley, Women and Hallelujah

Today as Jackie said, I left our board meeting with a good taste in my mouth, and one of my all time favorite songs came on the radio: Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah.  Flashbacks of good friends and great conversations of what our opinions were of what the lyrics actually meant.  Now I'd be lying if I said these brain sessions didn't involve us being stoned, but here's to personal growth and evolution.  One of our best debates is that we all believed the song is referenced to the Bible, mainly the Old Testament.  I am the debate queen and will literally dissect something 360 degrees until I am 100% satisfied and let me tell you, back in the day when I was stoned.....I knew shit and if I didn't I could make you believe I knew shit. 

Well I heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do ya?
Well it goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Now as much as I love this verse I'm not going into detail much because it's the next two that capture my attention more.  But in this one I will say that we all know that in the Book of Samuel that Saul was the first King, and he had employed David to play music because Saul was having bad, bad dreams and the music helped him, hence the secret chords, but Saul didn't know that David was to be king.   Long, long story.  Even's a great one! Moving on.

Well Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
she tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Now this is one of my favorite verses simply because to me and friends and the age old debate and what the song was actually written on......God's generosity to broken people.  Perhaps there is help for me yet!  So the first two lines are talking about now King David and Bathsheba who had an affair for Bathsheba was married to Uriah, who King David had murdered.  Whew--who needs soap operas right!  So here we have a king who has betrayed not only his citizens but his God as well, but the song jumps to Samson.  He has superhuman strength but the catch to his superhuman strength was his vow to his promises. 

1.  No Alcohol
2.  Never cut his hair

Ladies, we all know men!  What do you think he did?  You know what he did!  He told his girlfriend who then told her people, who captured Samson and they gouged out his eyes and cut his hair.  Now the one saving grace in this and how the song gets it title from the content of the Bible is despite both David and Samson turning their backs on God, he forgives and grants one more act of generosity to each of them...from your lips she drew the Hallelujah.  Love, love this song!

The rest of the song goes on to link sexuality and praising God how it's more than just a physical act.  Awesome song, again one of my all time favorites.  Take a minute to listen to it.  Little differant than my usual witty self, but that's half the fun of a can write whatever tweaks your brain.  Peace!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

A Pistol, A Pill and Pandora's Box.

Nothing screams love like your husband editing your blog with his self adopted version of a "Redneck Thesaurus".  He considers himself a subject authority and stands his ground as if it were a legitimate language. After all, they did name a candy bar  Whatchamacallit.  Oh yeah and like I believe Farn used as a adjective means your not local.  I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country.  LOL all I can say in true coon ass fashion is, laissez les bons temps rouler.  What else can you say when you've been shot down by your own ol man. 

He done made me lose my religion

I'm driving, singing and suddenly shooting the bird to a idiot driver.  Where did that come from?  Redirect.  Ooo I like this song.....singing baby when I whisper your name.  WTF, now I'm crying!  What is going on, maybe I need some sleep.  Some good ol fashioned uninterrupted sleep.  That Army issued doctor has invaded my safe place and making me question my own sanity.  Sing Candice Sing.  Load the racks from the thrift shop at Ft. Shafter, put on a smile, all is good and oh answer the phone.  It's Maria.  Hi honey--yes still at TS, will call when I head out.  Almost there, get thru goodbyes, ok thank you: time to go.  RAGE! ANGER!     *#$!%*&$#  *&^%$#*&    I need a happy pill.

How To Stroke Wrinkles Right Out of Your Face!

So this would be the perfect time to pull over and just breathe.  Down town traffic....Sit, have a good cry and phone a friend.  Can one have a nervous breakdown in traffic.  Note to self.  Self, explore this subject later on the john.  Free time baby!  PS, self, shut that box-monsters are in there! 

I wonder who would play me in the Lifetime movie?  Eva Longoria is sexy and all, but could she pull off the sassy in me.  Hmn, no I'm leaning more towards the Sandra Bullock type.  HAHA Wack job in Wahiawa.  Maybe I'll just pass one on Dr. Dumb ass and be done with it.  ......I'm going to the store cuz the Piggly Wiggly has "cold" drinks on sale for 99 cent.  Nite Ya'll! 

Monday, January 3, 2011

Oatmeal, surface cracks and WTF

So the story I’m about to tell you begins with me nearly chucking my laptop across the living room in sheer frustration. Bill Gates I am definitely not! After chatting with my girl Krystal aka Army Wife 101, I decided to set up a fan page to promote my recently revived blog. Brrahahahaha this is me laughing out of control. Paging Dr. Dumb ass, paging Dr. Dumb ass! Widgets, gadgets, and gizmo's, do this and do that….just shut the hell up and do what I tell you to do. Where’s Jeanie when you need her to wiggle that damn nose of hers and ding….ding…ding….instant website. Icing on the cake one of my ol friends tells me it’s a computer error originating somewhere between the keyboard and the chair. Miss you to Latham!

Ver-ry Impressive Mrs. Cart-wri-right!!!!

Soooo……. after half ass figuring things out, really I just gave up, I decided on Oatmeal for dinner. Yep, all those new cookbook and years of honing my culinary skills, my crew was reduced to boiled oats. Shit happens. After the day I’ve had, it was all I could put out and yes I speaking in pun because if my husband is expecting anything past oatmeal…he may want to call on Rosie Palm to help him out. I’m done. Period. Exclamation Point. Done. Need I say more!
I did, however, agree to curl up on the couch and watch 2012, a movie based on the world ending on December 23, 2012. Why the 23rd of December? Because the Mayan’s said so. Who made them the calendar kings, and because of the fuckers we sat thru an entire movie of large groups of people dealing with natural disasters such as volcanic eruptions, typhoons and glaciers, starting in L.A. with surface cracks. Yes I just said that. Now this I find interesting because my only experience with surface cracks is limited to my husband taking off his combat boots or the housing maintenance man working on the sink. Hmn….Just say no to crack.

One foot on a banana peel the other in the grave

WTF, so now the world’s in a panic of gigantic proportions suffering losses of communications, looting, fires, buildings sinking into monster size craters all the while Uncle Sam is secretly hoarding away food, medical supplies, cultural arts, and societies finest. Don’t act surprised or offended because we all know it would happen just that way if we found ourselves in the exact same situation. Screw the little man. Now to my way of thinking if you keep the genetic pool full of self righteous assholes and know it alls….who provides the beer? Who would be the patsy? Who would you take away from their families and send to war? Who would be the guinea pigs to test new shit on.

Yea, whose laughing now?

All in all the movie ends with only half the world being destroyed, the minority standing up and fighting for the whole. Yea for actors and scripts! A word to the wise though….better start storing up extra spam and batteries though just in case because you never, ever know! We could both end up on the shit end of the stick instead of just Brian and Rosie Palm.  Thanks for letting me post early....busy day tomorrow and well..this one just couldn't wait.  Peace

Her Eyesight Was “Born Again”…Returned To Normal In A Single Day.

So as I'm sitting at my desk bright and early this morning, my husband Brian comes in from p.t., to find me hanging up the phone and laughing. 

Brian..."What's so funny"
I reply- nothing other than Aaron was off to school bright and early and it so happens they don't go back until tomorrow. 
Brian...."Your kidding, right?"
We both die laughing!

Then he proceeds to ask me what was my New Year's Resolution.  OMG, what is it about resolutions?  The big loaded question with ton's of pressure behind it.  Do I diet, do I volunteer more, cook more, spend more time with family, take up a new hobby.......WHAT??????  Each year I go thru this whole process of what to do and always fall short.  My guns are loaded full of determination that this is the year I'm going to do whatever lucky task it is I've decided to take on or change. 


Kid.....Mom there's no school today and the teachers were looking at me funny.  Man I could have slept in late, you owe me BIG time.  I just fluff in response.  I'm still in the milky way like some astronauts discarded piss just floating thru time.  Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.  I noticed that ACS on Schofield Barracks has started a new Biggest Loser contest, targeted towards all of us fondly known as "chunks of love".  If I've said it once, I've said it 1,000 times.  Sweating to the oldies is not my cup of tea, so don't see that happening anytime soon.  I did get two new cookbooks but really how many new recipes can you make your family suffer thru in a week before they start to throw down the gauntlets of mutiny?  Hmn, next please!


Seriously Bishop, must you lick your balls or the lack there of since I did have those puppies cut off long ago, right in front of me.  What ever was there is long, long gone.  Give it a rest!  There's a girl in the room.  Shish. 

I could plant some new plants if for no other reason than to give Brian something else to complain about.  I do love gardening, and that doesn't have to be a resolution, but it would have to wait until next week as I've got a lot going on this week with the Hui  Thrift shop.  Looks like Brian's been saved for at least a few days.

Ever notice when you need something done, not a single kid to be found, but holler lunch time and your surrounded by kids you don't even know.  I mean I've tried to childproof my house, but somehow they keep getting in.  What's up with that!  Now I need just mine to come empty this damn trash.  Figures!  I'll hide come dinner time.  Take that sucker......

I did say I was going to dedicate some me time to my inner diva.  That one I'm gonna stick to cause I could use a little pampering but is that really a resolution or just a goal?  Groan, oh the pressure!  Look to just keep it simple whatever happens in 2011 will happen.  If my fat ass loses weight...then I'll go shopping.  If I cook 7 new recipes per week and my crew bails to Burger King...hope the door doesn't hit them in the ass on the way out.  Good luck to the chunks of love in the Biggest Loser challenges.  Oreo's and deodorant are on sale at the commissary, stock up on that secret stash now.  Dog still licking.....lost cause.  Kid still missing-mom on strike starting asap. 

Who said hindsight is 20/20?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Pointing that finger at the man in the mirror

1st let me start off by saying Happy New Year!  We had a huge celebration at our house with friends and family, and a good time had by all.  We definitely missed those who couldn't attend but know we will see them soon in the new year!

So today I'm actually on a rant.  I come from a huge family whom I love dearly, and miss them even more but at times I literally want to choke the hell out of some of them.  I'm pretty sure the feeling is mutual.  We're a very vocal and opinionated group, but that's what we all love about each other.  Anyway it was a post that one of my cousins had made on a status update that set me on my topic for today. 

At this point in time in my life, I am one of the least judgemental people I know but it took me 44 years to reach this point too.  I get angry, frustrated and down right pissed off to the point I speak my mind, but I do not judge people or look down on them.  You'll just have to take my word on it when I say I of all people have no RIGHT to do this anyone.  After making my own share of lifetime mistakes and bad judgement call my motto for years has been if I don't pay your light bill then anything I say or do doesn't matter and the same goes in return.  I've made a lot of decisions based on emotions and anger being the biggest influence of them all.  Sadly because of my experiences I am one of those people that can completely disconnect from my emotions, and that's not always a good thing.  In my past I've given new meaning to the phrase cold hearted bitch, but you know what I know this, I'm not ashamed, nor do I try to hide from it....I've grown from it.  Simply I am who I am and each day with every thing in me I try to be a better person and give back 100% plus 100% more.  No one in this world can punish me for the things I've done anymore or worse than what I punish myself for every SINGLE day.  I only connect with people, even my closet friends on levels that I chose because that is my safety or comfort zone.  Take it for what it is. 

Anyways, didn't mean to go into such depth, my point of the little insight was the beginning of my rant and sorry I'll never go into depth the reasons of my emotional scarring or the pain of my childhood, much to my doctors demise.  Some things are just better kept buried where they belong.  Reason of rant!  People who have the nerve or audacity if you will to point their finger in judgement of others when nothing in their own life is right, socially correct or a foundation for such moral judgement.  Nothing pisses me off more.  Well except the fact when you call a hypocrite out, they again have the nerve to act offended or clueless as to why your calling them out.  LOL your joking right, is this me being judgemental or sarcastic?  Throw your stones, do what you will but throw them in the right direction.  Your own.  This is the oldest lesson in the bible.  Some would say me ranting about this issue is being judgemental or finding others guilty.  Perhaps so, but I'm ranting on paper.  I didn't spit on your neck and try to tell you it's raining. 

Ugh c'mon people.  Seriously, again you don't pay my light bill so truly I don't care what you do, much less say, but when you update, print, or gossip about others and the things you feel they are doing wrong...make sure your own backyard is raked first.  And for Gods sake have some pride, dignity or respect about yourself if nothing else.  Millions of women in history did not go thru their experiences just so you could act like mindless idiots.  I'm all about empowering everyone and we've all acted like idiots before; some just really abuse the privilege.  Today, perhaps I should have been medicated!